[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*