Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
How to make infinite energy.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Guilty! 🤪
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
What if the weather talks about us?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ