It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise