The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”