ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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tell em, edith-anne
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
6: are snakes just neck?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”