Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.