My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
You Might Also Like
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone