Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
SPLOOT
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.