Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
PARKOUR
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
So inspired right now.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year