Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I identify as an antique shop.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?