Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
new wife guy just dropped
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
accurate