If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”