Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight