Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good