Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
🔦🌙👣
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?