Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence