I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession