find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Cool shirt 🙂
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!