My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
The morning after pill, but for tweets