lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Mhm.