ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
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[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus