I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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The old gods are rising again.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours