wishing you and yours all the best
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me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.