snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Haha good job!!
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.