Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”