I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.