My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
somebody come look at this
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.