Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.