Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
You Might Also Like
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.