Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Going to church you guys need anything
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.