CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up