Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Double negatives are never not confusing.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone