if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I know this now 😂
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”