“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*