Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.