Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
You Might Also Like
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Tastes like chicken.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.