Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.