[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.