I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My wife has the worst taste in men.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t