Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
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I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent