A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP