When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
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*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
🏙👨🏼
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.