Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Got him!
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.