Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
That eye roll….
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Quadruple digit IQ
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back