what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.