I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-