looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon