If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me