Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie