*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.